(Re)Starting a blog
It's been a while since I've written anything, let alone published, for others to read. So i’m (Re)starting a blog
I've been struggling a lot this year, isolating myself. Writing is the start of me holding myself accountable. If I want things to improve, I need to play my part in this.
Truth is, I feel lost.
I've struggled to find my way over the last few years, and that's a hard place to be. I know I'm not alone in these feelings; it's a familiar feeling among the few people I do talk with.
I need to connect and talk with more people; I've let relations slip, disengaging with people. This isn't helpful, I know; it's what I default to. I aim to change, but so far, it's been slow.
Writing down my thoughts in a vague but understandable way has helped in the past. I've let this slip, so here we go again. How long will this last, I wonder?
While I get the hang of this again, I will borrow song lyrics that do a better job than I currently can.
NF is someone who I've listened to for a while. Many of his songs are focused on mental health, and his song HAPPY is no exception.
Living in my agony
Watching my self-esteem go up in flames, acting like I don't care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully that that's the furthest thing from how I feel
but I'm too proud to open up and ask you
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy
Yeah, been this way so long; it feels like something's off when I'm not depressed.
I got some issues that I won't address
I got some baggage I ain't opened yet
I got some demons I should put to rest
I got some traumas that I can't forget
These words hit me with a chill the first time I heard them; even reading them here repeated that feeling.
Honestly, I can't remember the last time describing myself as happy was natural. I often have moments of happiness and positive emotions; it's not all doom and gloom. Am I happy? I'm working on that.
Our minds are influential, both powerful and harmful, and they can come up with beautiful ideas and create amazing things.
They can play tricks on us, suck us down dark holes, and just about everything in between.
Photography is my way of feeling a little less lost. Even that's felt lackluster recently. I still like the images I capture, but something needs to be added. Maybe (definitely) I'm being too harsh on myself, and it's a bad trait of mine. This blog is me waffling about what feels "missing."